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Why no LUopean has won the safaricom shangwe mtaani promotion.

Here is why no LUO has ever won Shangwe
Mtaani promo:
SAFARICOM: Hello, am I speaking to Otiende
Openda?
OTIENDE: In the event that u want to secure my
audience, Please predecease the names Otiende
Openda with the prefix Engineer…
SAFARICOM: We received your SMS at Shangwe
Mtaani Promo.
OTIENDE: Yes, I radiate an apologetic tone for
bombarding your systems with an avalanche of
messages yester night. You see I left the custody
of my Samsung galaxy S3 phone to my 9 year old
son so that he could play with as he had
developed monotony to his toys. He must have
contacted you by error.
SAFARICOM: Bye rror?
OTIENDE: Yes. u see, he wanted to re-unite Zack
with his home country (bring Zack home) but
didn’t know the exact pay bill number so I told
him for the sake of probability, to send SMSes to
all pay bill numbers he has ever seen being
displayed on my 64 inch Samsung flat screen that
also relays 3d images. You must have been a
beneficiary of his gesture.
SAFARICOM: We received your messages
nevertheless and are pleased to inform u that u
are our winner this week.
OTIENDE: Actually it is my son who has won; let
me expose this dialogue to him via a conference
call so that u can relay to him the good news
SAFARICOM: Nosir, we just wanted to inform u
that he has won 1,000,000 shillings and would
like u and him to come to our station n pick the
prize in front of the cameras
OTIENDE: I am withered with shock.
SAFARICOM: I know u must be too happy.
OTIENDE: I was jubilating until u inserted the
suffix ‘shillings’ vis-à-vis ‘dollars’ after the digits.
U want to assemble me and my offspring before
the local TV’s UHF and VHF bandwidths and ask
us to jubilate profusely at 1,000,000 shillings?
Are u aware that such information can leak into
CNN or BBC or Fox News and expose me to
international shame as my fellow alumni’s from
the university of Massachusetts residing in the
Diaspora may recognize me and embed shame to
my occupation.
SAFARICOM: Excuse me sir but this news would
make anyone happy.
OTIENDE: If u had called me to alert me that
Mack Zuckerberg is selling all his shares to me,
then the muscles residing in close proximity to my
jaws would have relaxed to depict happiness.
SAFARICOM: we still require u to come to our
offices so that we can explain more details on
how u will receive your….
OTIENDE: Then dispatch a helicopter to the
coordinates of my dwelling to ferry me and my
son to your bearings, then promise to grant us
anonymity by hiding our faces when we r
receiving the cheque and please please, so that
people do not recognize my name with ease, just
omit the prefix Engineer.
SAFARICOM: We cannot do that sir.
OTIENDE: Then I suggest that u terminate this
cellular dialogue promptly b4 I sue u for
diminishing the voltage in my cellular gadget’s
power plant (batteries) via this misplaced
dialogue.

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